Relapse… |• a poem by Likha Ayuma

Sorry, I had a relapse.

I was doing so well ,

There days where I was happy that I am finally doing it.

It was not supposed to be easy I know.

But I had mental strength,

So anytime I thought about contacting him,

I would switch off my phone,

I even deleted his number,

Progress.

Strides .

Forward.

I was somewhere in healing.

Then that morning,

I cannot really explain it,

I was on a motorcycle ride,

And I wondered why he never reached out to me after I left him,

I was curious if he missed me.

I was concerned if he was alive.

And as the breeze was caressing my cheeks.

The cold air slapping my eyes,

I didn’t know I had memorized his number,

I checked up on him.

Him who didn’t love me,

Him who destroyed my mental being,

Him who stole my self-dignity,

Him who assaulted me,

I contacted the origin of my struggle,

What is that syndrome where you are attached to your perpetrator??

I think I have that one,

I am convinced I have it.

I had actually moved on,

Or I thought so,

I told myself I found the hole in me that I think he was filling,

My mind was strong,

It was I swear.

Anyway , I relapsed.

It happens.

After twenty days..

Well.. guess tomorrow is day one…