The Stem of Desire To Be Liked.

When I was in nursery school, we used to be in a competition of bringing flowers to our teacher. I remember I used to illegally pluck this specific flower from the homesteads that were around the school and gift it to our teacher. In a bid of being favored and loved. Now that I see it, it was like “I brought this flower for you. Like me please “

We were young, and at that time we felt like this was the way to be liked by a guardian. I really don’t know who came up with it or it was the fact that the teacher just had this out-of-this-world attention to the child who brought him a rose flower. It felt like we were in constant giving just to receive , now that I am looking at it, from a grown-ups eyes.

Providentially, I have remembered a time in primary school, I allowed my bullies to continue bullying me,in hopes of being liked. I recently remember a certain girl who used to pinch my skin leaving marks and I would not complain about it. It was through that torture that I was ‘allowed” to hang out with them. Yoh 😭😭 I am now realizing I have been in the state of giving to be liked. That I was actually a victim of being bullied.

In that same space, Years back I ALLOWED this man do the worst to me in hopes that he would finally profess his love for me.

It has been brought to my attention how strangers love and likeness towards me, was performative in nature. I thought if only I could bend to your fitting then maybe. If only I could become what you want then maybe…. If only I could strip this skin so that you can accept me I would…

i know it stems in my childhood.

Then there is this LOVE that I have intentionally found myself in, that doesn’t even require me to perform. Don’t get me wrong! I used to perform still. However, The love of God is an everlasting, unfailing love that is forever surrounding us.

God’s love is not a bag that you are in pursuit of securing,The Love of God is not a cheque you are working so hard to earn,The secret is YOU Were born IN God’s love.You are the epitome of God’s love,In Psalms ,HIs UNFAILING LOVE is a constant mention.You will always be loved no matter what.

And I am on the forgiveness path, with myself and just experiencing being at a place where I don’t need to cut myself up to feel chosen.

Enough. .

Reminder: you are loved.